Grace in Death

It is no secret that I am deeply enthralled with God's grace.  I love sharing about God's grace in my life; how it has changed me and given me passion.  It just makes me smile!

Today it hit me, I don't often think about what had to happen for me to experience God's grace directly.

I grew up in Christian church culture.  To say that I have heard the Good Friday and Easter stories numerous times would be an understatement.  For goodness sakes, I became a missionary which in simple terms means I am supposed to share those stories with other people!  I should not be surprised that the message of Good Friday and Easter has kind of lost its fervor on my heart.

It is familiar.  And when things get too familiar, they get boring.

Honestly, I was starting to get a little bored with the idea of grace.

Admitting those things kinda makes me feel like the worst Christian on the planet.

But I know I'm not.  Because I know other people get bored with the real meaning of Easter too.  That's why we paint eggs, eat lots of candy, have brunch with family and other silly Easter traditions.  We get bored with Jesus on a cross.  We get tired of saying "He is Risen."  I get tired of how fake Easter feels...

I think we get bored because we don't really like to let the cross affect us.  We get bored with it because the deep reality of Jesus taking on all the messiness of human life is uncomfortable.  It pricks something in our hearts that reminds us that life is not our own.  If Jesus really DID go through that much torture and pain all out of love...then I feel really foolish for how I act.

I don't like feeling foolish.  Or like I have made mistakes.  And let's face it, Good Friday, when really felt, kinda slaps you in the face.

Ouch.

Jesus' death is the whole reason we have grace.  I like having grace that doesn't make come face to face with my mistakes.  Which is unfortunately not how this works.  Crap.

I wish I could skip right over Good Friday, go straight to Easter.  Put on a new dress and a smile and pretend like I am perfect.  But I am not.

Thanks to the cross I am redeemed.  I am holy.  I am God's daughter.  But I think I need my heart to feel the weight of Jesus' death a little more.  I don't want Easter to be fake this year, just something I do to get  extra "Christian Points."  I want to wrestle with the events of Good Friday.  So that when I celebrate Easter I can say that my burdens are really dead at the cross.  I am not clinging to my messy life any more, pretending that I'm not bored with the message of God's grace.

I want to feel the effect of grace again.  Deeply.

So I can celebrate that Jesus is alive.  Forever.

Underground Worship

Darkness filled the room as rays of light from the stage shone only bright enough to ensure no one would injure themselves walking around.  A team of talented musicians played off each other in worship, moving with the crowd in the darkness.  Sensing God arriving.

God showed up.  Heavily.  So much so that the air was thick with His presence.  Through the darkness you could hear songs in Spanish, French, Russian, German, Polish, English.  Pure worship.  A taste of Heaven.

The young man on stage reached for his Bible and invited the hidden crowd to do the same.  "Find a passage of Scripture written as praise."  My hands crack the cover of my navy blue Bible, flipping over to Psalms.  A verse catches my eye. "Hm" I think to myself as my eyes shift over to verse one.

"We are going to read these praises back to Him, claim these words as our praise to God."

"Uno...Dos...Tres..."

I start reading and my heart melts.  My voice catches in my chest.  Tears slowly roll down my cheeks.  God just gave this to me.  He knew what I needed to pray.

And just like that the verge of tears I had been holding in all day came pouring out.  God was so good.  Tears of joy.  Tears of sadness.  Tears of expectancy.  Pouring out, emptying myself.

Psalm 138

Of David

I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;

before the "gods" I will sing your praise.

I will bow down toward your holy temple and will praise your name

for your love and your faithfulness, for you have exalted above all things

your name and your word.

When I called, you answered me;

you made me bold and stouthearted.

May all the kings of the earth praise you, O LORD,

when they hear the words of your mouth.

May they sing of the ways of the LORD,

for the glory of the LORD is great.

Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly,

but the proud from afar.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life;

you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,

with you right hand you save me.

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O LORD, endures forever --

do not abandon the works of your hands.

Italics mine  

I Don't Need It

I read a blog the other day that while I was reading shrugged off as incredibly simple and full of things I already knew.  However, as time has gone on my mind continues to ponder what was written.  Maybe I did know what the author had stated, but had I really taken the truths to heart?  Definitely not.

The blog is all about using your time as a single woman wisely, not waiting around for God to bring a man into your life like some worn out fairy tale.  Yes, this is all information I had heard before growing up in church.  But this lady took a different approach, she used scripture to back herself up.  And then based on scripture she asks four questions:

• Do I trust that he has ordained my days? (Psalm 139: 5, 6, 16)
• Do I trust that he supplies all I need? (Matthew 6:32)
• Do I trust that never will he leave me or forsake me? (Joshua 1:5)
• Do I trust that who I am in Christ defines me? (Colossians 2:10)

I asked myself those same four questions.  So I REALLY truly believe that God has ordained my days on this earth?  Do I REALLY truly trust that He supplies all I need?  Yes, yes in my human flesh I do trust those things about God.  

If I am trying to just hang on until I get married and don’t accept my singleness in this season, then I am saying that these days that God has ordained are not enough, that he made a mistake and is a liar.

Whoh.  I don't believe that God makes mistakes or is a liar, so my only option is to really trust that He is the way He says He is.

The simple truth is that he takes care of my every need and provides all that I need—if I don’t have it, I don’t need it. And I can rest in this because I know he is a loving God.

That statement really hit home with me. If I don't have it, then I don't need it. You have no idea how many times I have caught myself repeating that sentence in my head. And you know what, it has brought me a lot of peace. God knows exactly what I need and when and if He hasn't given me something, including a spouse, then I don't need it. How freeing is that? God sees me, just as I am, and doesn't think I need anyone else in my life to make me better. In the words of Bridgett Jones, "He likes me just as I am." 

Being here in Poland as a single woman has really put me face to face with actually being single.  In the first month or so, it was rough.  I felt that longing, the desire to have someone to talk to and love on.  Someone who knows me inside and out.  But obviously it wasn't what God wanted for me right now and my heart was kind of bitter about that.  

God keeps bringing up the topic of dating and marriage in my life so it has been very hard to ignore.  A number of my good friends are getting married this year, or are dating someone.  As I talk to each of them about their relationships, God talks to me.  He reaches down into the inner most part of my heart that longs to be married and if I don't fight back He brings peace.  

I don't know what the future holds for me and relationships.  I have had some great ones and some terrible ones.  They taught me a lot about life and love.  All I know is that when God looks at me He does not see me as "single."  He sees me as HIS daughter, redeemed by grace.  And right now, I just need to wait and rest in that for a little while.  You know, until God tells me to do something else.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 

John 14:27