How My Brain Got Fat

When I got to the campus bookstore in preparation for my final semester of college I could not believe the number of books that were required for just one semester.  That is a typical experience in college I believe, and being a Global Studies major I always tended to do quite a bit of reading for class.  But this time I had 25 books to read in just 15 weeks of classes.  I was screwed.

I did a lot of skimming in the weeks that followed, but for a girl who would normally read all day on the weekends for fun, that semester killed my desire to read.  Killed it.

It has been ten years since I graduated from university I can count on one hand the number of books I have read AND finished since I embarked on adulthood.  Which is sad, absolutely sad.

I'll be honest, I didn't make it a priority in my life.  At all.  I wished I could read all the great books people recommended to me, but I just always found other things to do after a day at work (like watch Friends for the 500th time).  I just got lazy with my education, with stretching myself.

One day, something changed.  Its as if my mind and heart woke up from a deep slumber and I was hungry for more than I had been giving myself.  My brain felt stagnant, almost like it had gained 20 pounds from sitting on the couch eating Oreos for a decade.  I once was so sure of myself and my beliefs and my feelings and over time I just lost all of it to business and laziness.  So many of my thoughts and feelings are here on this blog from years past.  I forgot about stretching myself that I had nothing worth sharing with the world for the last 5 and half years.  Wow.

But something clicked that one day.

And I knew I needed more.

I credit it to becoming a mom.  I was watching my daughter grow and all of a sudden I knew that I had to impart wisdom on her, but I didn't even know what wisdom was worth sharing anymore.  My thoughts were robotic and all repeated from someone else.  I felt had nothing genuine to give her.  And I knew the only way I could unleash myself and satisfy the hunger for the world was to start cracking open books again.  I love books.  I love the pages and underlining the sage advice from others who came before.  I have an e-reader, but I have found I'm not inspired by the words on a computer screen.  Probably because I sit in front of a computer all day at work.

Surprisingly it wasn't actual books that got me back and running again.  It was audio books.

I commute everyday for work, not long, but its still a commute and I have chosen to use that time to "read" books.  Some people have given me crap about this and said it doesn't count because I didn't actually read them, but that's dumb.  It counts.  Its been over a year since I started this habit, but I finally hit my stride at the start of 2017.  A few weeks ago I wrote down all the books I had finished since the start of the year and for just being the end of April, I was already finished with book seven.  SEVEN.  Maybe that is normal for you, or you read that many in a month.  But when you consider that I had read and finished maybe three books in the last 10 years, SEVEN in 4 months is pretty impressive.

I was shocked to say the least.  My shock turned to motivation, which caused me to wonder how many books can I read this year?  For 2017, my goal is to read and finish at least 30 books. This goal was not a New Year's Resolution, but I took something that I was already trying to be better at and said, "Hey let's keep this going."

So far this year I have read mostly fiction, but I have added in some non-fiction as well in the last month.  I am about to finish books 8 and 9, and 10 will follow shortly thereafter.

Yeah...I've gone nuts.  I'm reading three books at the same time right now.

I'm not ready to join a book club or anything, because you know that Howard motto "you can't tell me what to do."  But I have read some really good things so far this year, and if you have had a conversation with me in the last couple months I probably told you about one of the books I have found fascinating.  Right now the audio book I am listening to is probably my favorite so far.  I am enthralled with it...and its a book about time travel.  Which is not a subject matter that usually draw me in.  I think Chris Pratt should star in the movie.  But I digress.

It feels so good to be reading again.  Diving into books that expand my creativity, cause me to think about things differently than I ever have before.  And its just one way I am taking back my life from business and laziness (yes they coexist in my life).  Mostly its for me so I can figure out who I am as mom and wife and all the other labels I wear during a day.  But its kinda for my daughter too, so she can see how fun it is to learn and grow, no matter your age.

And you know what?  She recently discovered books too!  She has read way more than 7...actually we read that one book 7 times tonight.  Yup.

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For Grins & Accountability, here is my current list for 2017:
1. Heaven by Randy Alcorn
2. Confessions of a Scary Mommy by Jill Smokler
3. Hamilton: The Revolution by Lin-Manuel Miranda and Jeremy McCarter
4. The Red Tent by Anita Diamond
5. A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman
6. Hidden Figures by Margot Lee Shetterly
7. Lincoln in the Bardo by George Saunders
8. Contagious: Why Things Catch On by Jonah Berger
9. All Our Wrong Todays by Elan Mastai

The Wake of Father's Day

If you have spent any time with me in the last few years you know I wrestle deeply with the relationship I have with my dad.  My heart has taken the idea of "fatherhood" and twisted it into something frustrating, confusing, and painful.

For years I have been living in the shadow of my father's failures, letting them define how I approach the world and relate to my God.

And finally, I have broken down and realized that I don't want my cracked expectations of a fairy-tale father to dictate my life anymore.

It is painful.

It is uncovering many lies that have taken root in my heart.

Lies that have told me that my dad is not allowed to fail, he is supposed to be perfect 24 hours a day.  That he is exempt from being human, from slipping up on occasion.

Lies that have told me that I am less of a daughter because I don't feel like I can write fabulous things on my Facebook wall about my dad on Father's Day.

Lies that have told me that I don't deserve the very best from the men in my life.  That I will always be let down.  Left stranded to "deal" on my own in a tower like Fiona from Shrek.

Slowly but surely I am digging to the root of my "daddy issues."  So weird, because for the first time in my life I deeply desire to sort this out instead of burying it deeper.  I think that's God's amazing grace as bring another man into my life in a BIG way.

This year, I actually wished my dad a happy father's day. Progress.

And yesterday as I logged onto my Facebook and saw all my friends praise their amazing fathers I let God speak to my heart as I got jealous and angry all at the same time.

Am I not father enough?

Deep down in my heart I have always been a Daddy's Girl and I am making my way there again.  But this time realizing that I have a perfect father who loves me unconditionally.  My earthly father will always fail me, simply because he is human.  But it is not fair to hold him in a place of perfection.

Allow God to heal the wounds of my dad and fill those holes with His love.  

Who knows maybe my daddy issues will end up being a gift?

Battle wounds create a pain that drives us to a healer we would not otherwise know & give a God-assigned purpose we never could have found. -Lauren Lankford

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“I have chosen you. The little girl with the brunette ringlets and the big blue eyes – she was and is my daughter. Have you forgotten how beautiful I created you? Have you let others speak and tell you otherwise? Let all those voices be silent once and for all, for I am the Great I Am. They cannot stand against me. And they are nothing to me. I have created you as beautiful and in my eyes you have lost none of the innocence you possessed when I first gave you life. You are like new to me every morning, just as my mercy is new to you every morning. I have heard your cries – I am the Lord.” - An Excerpt From This Awesome Blog

Fifteen

About once a year I blow the dust off.  Turn the pages gently.  Read the scribbled writing.  Remember what it was like to be back in high school.

A few weeks ago I pulled out my old journals.  Usually I read them to remind myself that I have grown and matured since I was fifteen, but this time around it didn't make me feel better where I am at.  Instead I wished there were somethings I could tell fifteen year old me.  I know journeying through life is what makes us great, but here is a letter to Mallory, ten years ago.



Hey Love,


I admire your faith immensely.  How you fell in love with missions just a year ago and want to pursue it for the rest of your life.  Guess what, you make it!  It may seem impossible now, but you do get to live overseas.  It's not in South America, but somewhere so awesome.  It will become like home to you.  But I'm not going to give it away, you gotta wait and see where God takes you.


Ok, girlie, let's talk about boys.  I know they are your entire world right now.  And I know you are going to hate me for saying this, but let go a little bit.  You know some awesome guys right now that will raise your standards for men, be friends with them, but don't be upset when they don't fall head over heels for you.  Get what you can out of their friendship and  be grateful when your lives go different directions. You may think these guys are awesome, but you have no idea who you are going to meet after college.  They will rock your world.  Spoil you.  Teach you what it is like to be respected.  Make you laugh.  Just you wait.


You are going to make some big mistakes in the next few years.  You are going to struggle with failure and not being perfect.  It's ok hun, because you are going to learn some remarkable things about God in the process.  Those mistakes, those failures, are going to be the darkest times of your life, but they will inspire you to change the world around you.  I am not going to tell you how to avoid them, or to power through.  No, you need to hurt.  You need to break.  It is ok.  Cry.  Yell.  Be angry.  You will come out stronger.


I just want you to know that you are loved.  Life is not going to turn out the way you want it to right now.  It will be better because it will be exactly what God wants.  So chill out a little bit.  Put down the imaginary wedding planning.  Go read your Bible.  Don't stress so much about math class, life doesn't depend on getting A's in algebra.  Don't stop dancing.  Love your brothers, they are amazing.


Oh yeah, next summer you are going to work at Camp Id-Ra-Ha-Je again.  One of your coworkers, talk with him, get to know him.  He is going to become an important part of your life down the road.  :-)


You are beautiful and amazing.  Don't forget that.


Love, 25 year old Mallory

Unlucky

Bring on the 4-leaf clovers, green beer, leprechauns, and anything remotely Irish.  Today is the day to stake your claim in luck.  Today is Saint Patrick's Day.

Growing up in the church I was always told that there was no such thing as "luck" and that God is behind everything.  Yes, of course.  I do believe that God has a purpose to everything, even the terrible things which He redeems magnificently.

But then when I was in middle school I learned the meaning behind my name.  Mallory means "unlucky."  No joke.

At an age when you are searching for meaning in your identity, hoping that the name your parents bestowed upon you had some secret purpose behind it.  To find out that you are "destined" to be unlucky is one bound to give you a complex.

My mom says that they had no idea what my name meant when they wrote it on the birth certificate, and I believe her.  But for many years the meaning behind my name has lurked in the shadows taunting me.  Any time something unfortunate happened I would be reminded that my life is just purposed to be unlucky.  I have been tempted to blame every failed relationship, every closed door on the fact that I am inherently unlucky.

With friends claiming names with deeper meanings, "Beloved" "Child of God" "Powerful" "Poet" to turn around with "unlucky" was a total slap in the face.

This year I found a t-shirt with "Born Lucky" scrolled across the front.  And I just smirk when I wear it because I know I was born "unlucky."

But just because I may be deemed unlucky, does not mean I am unblessed.

Thanks Sheryl for opening my eyes to that fact.  

Lost in Confidence

I have a friend who exudes confidence.  He knows who he is, what he likes, and most importantly his role as a child of God.  He's not even 30 yet.  Impressive.

I feel like now more than ever my peers are struggling deeply with the questions, "Who am I?" and "Why am I here?"  They want a job that is more than just a way to bring in money, they want to do something that they love.  My generation want to make a difference in the world using their God-given talents.  Problem is, there aren't many jobs out there that look like hobbies with pay.  That is, if you even know what you want to do...for the rest of your life.

When you don't know what you want to do with your life it is hard to be confident.  When you cannot separate what you do from who you are as a person its easy to feel lost.  More and more I see peers define themselves by things and people around them.  It is like we are still in high school.  Awkward and unsure of ourselves most of the time.

Then we encounter someone who knows who they are.  And they are awesomely confident, not like someone who uses confidence to act like a douchebag.  These people who know who they really are, are attractive and terrifying.  I have seen friends interact with a truly confident person and it makes them uncomfortable.  It makes me uncomfortable too.

It dawned on me last week, when I heard someone bashing a confident someone else that as a generation we yearn for confidence.  But at the same time we are not comfortable with people who have figured out who they are as a child of God.  Misery does love company.  We want to be lost and confused together.

The sad truth is that so many people never figure out who they are in Christ.  They can go their whole lives without really having the chance to live confidently in who they are created to be.  And they will spend their lives trying to douse the confidence others have found.  Breaks my heart.

In the last few months I have really begun to see my beauty as a daughter of God.  Realizing that I love the ridiculous and being goofy.  I love laughing and being unconventional.

But I have also learned how quickly that spark of confidence can be extinguished.  So here's to finding a bonfire of confidence that cannot be put out by others who have not found their spark yet.

Moreover, here's hoping that my bonfire will ignite someone else's spark.

A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy.  I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.

John 10:10 The Message

Photo courtesy of Littleman

Touch of Destiny

There is an epidemic taking hold of my generation.  Like a cancer growing slowly in the hearts of young people.  The disease is stealing dreams and hope.  Causing confusion and depression.  I see it in my friends.  I see it in me.  We have lost our identity.

I think its a response to how our parent's raised us, taking us to church and feeling like they are shoving their beliefs down our throat.  My generation sees the older generation as close minded and intolerant of anything different.  So we have swung the other way, we are open to everything.  You cannot take a stand for anything without getting burned, you have to be tolerant of everything to survive.  Sometimes it makes me feel more stifled than free.

We have become so tolerant of everything we have lost our identity in anything bigger than ourselves.

This weekend I was at a conference in Barcelona and one of the speakers spoke about the relationship between identity and destiny.

I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with friends and other young people about destiny and purpose.  They want to make a difference on the world, they are craving destiny. A heart cry for their place in this world, something made just for them.  Why can't they seem to find it?  Where is their destiny?

Our destiny is lost because our identity is lost.

The cancer of lost identity has taken such a hold on our hearts that we no longer know who we are.  We are lost somewhere in our heads trying to figure the world out...but we don't know we really are.  We don't know, especially, what our identity in God is.

So here is the natural question.  If we don't know who we are, how can we even start to know what we are to do?

Finding your identity is a lifetime journey, its a process.  As you move and discover your deeper and true identity your destiny becomes more clear.  As you dig back into the dark moments of your past and deal with the aftermath your identity starts to take shape.  Destiny will start to unfold, but only as you discover who God created you to be.

He did create you.  He put you on this earth for a reason.  He's not hiding it from you.  He just desires you to know who you are in Him first.

This place where you are right now, God circled on a map just for you.

-Hafiz, 14th Century Persian Mystic

You have a touch of destiny about you. 

-Tia Dalma

Photo courtesy of Victor Mui

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