I Need Beans!

It is 7am and the line is getting closer and closer to the back wall.  The cars in the drive-thru have wrapped their way around the parking lot.  The pressure is on, we have to get these drinks out as fast as possible.  Along with eight other Baristas we have our places, everyone knows what they need to do, where they need to stay.  We are a team, highly dependent on those around us.

Last week I was working the morning rush, like usual, and my job was to make all the drinks for our drive thru customers.  There is a lot of pressure to get drinks out in the allotted time, with as few mistakes as possible.  Your ears are constantly flooded with new drink orders coming in as well as fellow coworkers telling you if you need to work faster.  Pressure.

For a while this system works, but eventually the rush takes its toll and you need more milk, or vanilla syrup, or lids, or ice.  I cannot move from my spot, I have to keep making drinks so that customers outside are not left waiting.  All I can do is yell at the top of my lungs, "I need Grande Hot Lids!" and hope someone who can run heard me.

I hear in the distance someone yell, "Grande Hot Lids!"  Relief, I have been heard, I can keep up my pace, keep doing what I need to do.  

I walked away from work that day exhausted, but completely happy.  Every request, every need that I made known to my coworkers was heard and they met it for me.  It filled my heart on so many levels, and really made me think, when was the last time I made sure I was surrounded by people and activities that fill my heart, meet my needs.  And not just when I get desperate, but looking ahead and knowing what my needs will be when I have a busy week.

Rarely, lets be honest.

If I hadn't already been blown away by having all my needs met for 8 hours straight one day, it hit the next day.  I don't know what changed, but no one heard me all day.  I was constantly calling out what I needed and no one responded.  It left me doing eight things at once and drained me completely.  I could not function like that and after time I couldn't keep up with not being heard which slowed everyone else down too.  

My life is so similar to the morning rush at Starbucks.  I go through periods when things are crazy and I need built in people and activities to help keep me sane.  If I don't build those into my life automatically then I will be left trying to do everything on my own.  Trying to get everything I need and give it all out at the same time.  

Working at Starbucks is teaching me more and more about taking care of my heart, but also looking out for the needs of others.  Not focusing so much on myself to not hear the calls for "More Mocha" or "Bacon Sandwiches" but to make sure that I am making my needs known, getting them taken care of, so that I can help in the needs of others.

I Don't Need It

I read a blog the other day that while I was reading shrugged off as incredibly simple and full of things I already knew.  However, as time has gone on my mind continues to ponder what was written.  Maybe I did know what the author had stated, but had I really taken the truths to heart?  Definitely not.

The blog is all about using your time as a single woman wisely, not waiting around for God to bring a man into your life like some worn out fairy tale.  Yes, this is all information I had heard before growing up in church.  But this lady took a different approach, she used scripture to back herself up.  And then based on scripture she asks four questions:

• Do I trust that he has ordained my days? (Psalm 139: 5, 6, 16)
• Do I trust that he supplies all I need? (Matthew 6:32)
• Do I trust that never will he leave me or forsake me? (Joshua 1:5)
• Do I trust that who I am in Christ defines me? (Colossians 2:10)

I asked myself those same four questions.  So I REALLY truly believe that God has ordained my days on this earth?  Do I REALLY truly trust that He supplies all I need?  Yes, yes in my human flesh I do trust those things about God.  

If I am trying to just hang on until I get married and don’t accept my singleness in this season, then I am saying that these days that God has ordained are not enough, that he made a mistake and is a liar.

Whoh.  I don't believe that God makes mistakes or is a liar, so my only option is to really trust that He is the way He says He is.

The simple truth is that he takes care of my every need and provides all that I need—if I don’t have it, I don’t need it. And I can rest in this because I know he is a loving God.

That statement really hit home with me. If I don't have it, then I don't need it. You have no idea how many times I have caught myself repeating that sentence in my head. And you know what, it has brought me a lot of peace. God knows exactly what I need and when and if He hasn't given me something, including a spouse, then I don't need it. How freeing is that? God sees me, just as I am, and doesn't think I need anyone else in my life to make me better. In the words of Bridgett Jones, "He likes me just as I am." 

Being here in Poland as a single woman has really put me face to face with actually being single.  In the first month or so, it was rough.  I felt that longing, the desire to have someone to talk to and love on.  Someone who knows me inside and out.  But obviously it wasn't what God wanted for me right now and my heart was kind of bitter about that.  

God keeps bringing up the topic of dating and marriage in my life so it has been very hard to ignore.  A number of my good friends are getting married this year, or are dating someone.  As I talk to each of them about their relationships, God talks to me.  He reaches down into the inner most part of my heart that longs to be married and if I don't fight back He brings peace.  

I don't know what the future holds for me and relationships.  I have had some great ones and some terrible ones.  They taught me a lot about life and love.  All I know is that when God looks at me He does not see me as "single."  He sees me as HIS daughter, redeemed by grace.  And right now, I just need to wait and rest in that for a little while.  You know, until God tells me to do something else.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 

John 14:27

Broken Promises

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are sitting there and humanity surprises you. And not in the “people suck” kind of way, but in a way that gives you warm fuzzies and brings you hope?

June has been a whirlwind for me, I really haven’t had a good day off in about 4 weeks. Only a couple more days and I will be through this round of crazy and on to something less so. With the tornado of family events, crises, cardboard boxes, dumpster runs and numerous slices of pizza in the last month I have watched my stress level rise. Funny thing is, I didn’t realize it was rising, I wasn’t feeling the intensity of the stress. The only thing my body was feeling was sore muscles, sunburn and maybe a hint of a crush on a cute boy. *wink*

It is really no secret that I have not handled “love” in the best way since August. A huge part of my life was forced to die back in August and it has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I have received a lot of pushback recently on how I have handled myself in “letting go.” I get the hint that many are frustrated, which has been hurtful, but I keep to myself and really no one has any idea how frequently I miss Tim and the relationship we had. Oh well, I suppose life goes on.

Nearly a year later and my heart is beginning to mend. Even still I am finding dark corners in my heart that are home to more damage and heartbreak. In the middle of my living room surrounded by cardboard boxes I discovered another one of those corners. FEAR OF BROKEN PROMISES

Or maybe it is a lack of faith in people.

Saturday marked the day I would be moving out of my own apartment and into my parent’s home. I had lined up some trusty guy friends and their truck to help me haul my furniture. However, they were planning on hiking a 14er in the morning and there was a deep part of my gut that said they were going to back out because they were too tired. With no one else to help me, I was a little worried about what I would do if they decided they couldn’t help.

A phone call later two other friends offered to come over and help. Unexpected. They held the fort and hauled lots of boxes for about 2 hours until my car was full to the top. As they left, lo and behold the mountain climbing guys show up. :-) Not only did they haul all of my furniture from my 3rd floor apartment all the way to Evergreen, but they helped rearrange said furniture numerous times in and out of the kitchen as my family and I tried to figure out where everything would go. And they did it with loads of patience.

That evening I sat in my new “bedroom” and thought back on the day. I went into the weekend fully expecting everyone to fail me. I was prepared to be left abandoned to move all by myself.

Why couldn’t I trust that people would do what they said they would do? Why of all the people in my life do I expect this group of people to fail me most?

Heart and head still swimming, but I have a feeling that it has something to do with all the guys that have so epically failed me in the last 4 years or so. Maybe “epic fail” isn’t the right word for all of them. Maybe breaking an “epic promise.” It seems that little by little this wall has been built up around my heart and I can no longer trust that people will do what they say they will do. Especially if they are of the male persuasion. Well, that’s sucky, huh?

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that one of these mountain-climbing, furniture hauling guys has captured my attention recently. Maybe because of how my gut jumps in excitement when I see him I expect him to fail me.

Why is it so hard to trust that people will follow through. Yes, people are fickle creatures and they are bound to fail us sometime or another but if they fail us every single time and are constantly letting us down, then why are they still in our lives. If they are still a part of our lives then we must see something in them worth keeping. They must have something about them that causes us to trust them with little pieces of our hearts.

Maybe I should give them a chance. They may not be the people I had to leave in Golden, they people that I miss daily. But I cannot assume they will fail me, maybe I am cared for here and I really have made friends. Maybe I really am not as alone as I feel.


Photo courtesy of jazza