Fifteen

About once a year I blow the dust off.  Turn the pages gently.  Read the scribbled writing.  Remember what it was like to be back in high school.

A few weeks ago I pulled out my old journals.  Usually I read them to remind myself that I have grown and matured since I was fifteen, but this time around it didn't make me feel better where I am at.  Instead I wished there were somethings I could tell fifteen year old me.  I know journeying through life is what makes us great, but here is a letter to Mallory, ten years ago.



Hey Love,


I admire your faith immensely.  How you fell in love with missions just a year ago and want to pursue it for the rest of your life.  Guess what, you make it!  It may seem impossible now, but you do get to live overseas.  It's not in South America, but somewhere so awesome.  It will become like home to you.  But I'm not going to give it away, you gotta wait and see where God takes you.


Ok, girlie, let's talk about boys.  I know they are your entire world right now.  And I know you are going to hate me for saying this, but let go a little bit.  You know some awesome guys right now that will raise your standards for men, be friends with them, but don't be upset when they don't fall head over heels for you.  Get what you can out of their friendship and  be grateful when your lives go different directions. You may think these guys are awesome, but you have no idea who you are going to meet after college.  They will rock your world.  Spoil you.  Teach you what it is like to be respected.  Make you laugh.  Just you wait.


You are going to make some big mistakes in the next few years.  You are going to struggle with failure and not being perfect.  It's ok hun, because you are going to learn some remarkable things about God in the process.  Those mistakes, those failures, are going to be the darkest times of your life, but they will inspire you to change the world around you.  I am not going to tell you how to avoid them, or to power through.  No, you need to hurt.  You need to break.  It is ok.  Cry.  Yell.  Be angry.  You will come out stronger.


I just want you to know that you are loved.  Life is not going to turn out the way you want it to right now.  It will be better because it will be exactly what God wants.  So chill out a little bit.  Put down the imaginary wedding planning.  Go read your Bible.  Don't stress so much about math class, life doesn't depend on getting A's in algebra.  Don't stop dancing.  Love your brothers, they are amazing.


Oh yeah, next summer you are going to work at Camp Id-Ra-Ha-Je again.  One of your coworkers, talk with him, get to know him.  He is going to become an important part of your life down the road.  :-)


You are beautiful and amazing.  Don't forget that.


Love, 25 year old Mallory

I AM

I was regretting the past and fearing the future.

Suddenly my LORD was speaking:

"My name is I AM"

He paused.

I waited.

He continued.

"When you live in the past with its

mistakes and regrets, it is hard.

I am not there.

My name is not  I WAS.

When you live in the future with its

problems and fears, it is hard.

I am not there.

My name is not I WILL BE.

When you live in this moment,

It is not hard.

I am here.

My name is I AM

-Hellen Mallicoat

Broken Promises

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are sitting there and humanity surprises you. And not in the “people suck” kind of way, but in a way that gives you warm fuzzies and brings you hope?

June has been a whirlwind for me, I really haven’t had a good day off in about 4 weeks. Only a couple more days and I will be through this round of crazy and on to something less so. With the tornado of family events, crises, cardboard boxes, dumpster runs and numerous slices of pizza in the last month I have watched my stress level rise. Funny thing is, I didn’t realize it was rising, I wasn’t feeling the intensity of the stress. The only thing my body was feeling was sore muscles, sunburn and maybe a hint of a crush on a cute boy. *wink*

It is really no secret that I have not handled “love” in the best way since August. A huge part of my life was forced to die back in August and it has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I have received a lot of pushback recently on how I have handled myself in “letting go.” I get the hint that many are frustrated, which has been hurtful, but I keep to myself and really no one has any idea how frequently I miss Tim and the relationship we had. Oh well, I suppose life goes on.

Nearly a year later and my heart is beginning to mend. Even still I am finding dark corners in my heart that are home to more damage and heartbreak. In the middle of my living room surrounded by cardboard boxes I discovered another one of those corners. FEAR OF BROKEN PROMISES

Or maybe it is a lack of faith in people.

Saturday marked the day I would be moving out of my own apartment and into my parent’s home. I had lined up some trusty guy friends and their truck to help me haul my furniture. However, they were planning on hiking a 14er in the morning and there was a deep part of my gut that said they were going to back out because they were too tired. With no one else to help me, I was a little worried about what I would do if they decided they couldn’t help.

A phone call later two other friends offered to come over and help. Unexpected. They held the fort and hauled lots of boxes for about 2 hours until my car was full to the top. As they left, lo and behold the mountain climbing guys show up. :-) Not only did they haul all of my furniture from my 3rd floor apartment all the way to Evergreen, but they helped rearrange said furniture numerous times in and out of the kitchen as my family and I tried to figure out where everything would go. And they did it with loads of patience.

That evening I sat in my new “bedroom” and thought back on the day. I went into the weekend fully expecting everyone to fail me. I was prepared to be left abandoned to move all by myself.

Why couldn’t I trust that people would do what they said they would do? Why of all the people in my life do I expect this group of people to fail me most?

Heart and head still swimming, but I have a feeling that it has something to do with all the guys that have so epically failed me in the last 4 years or so. Maybe “epic fail” isn’t the right word for all of them. Maybe breaking an “epic promise.” It seems that little by little this wall has been built up around my heart and I can no longer trust that people will do what they say they will do. Especially if they are of the male persuasion. Well, that’s sucky, huh?

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that one of these mountain-climbing, furniture hauling guys has captured my attention recently. Maybe because of how my gut jumps in excitement when I see him I expect him to fail me.

Why is it so hard to trust that people will follow through. Yes, people are fickle creatures and they are bound to fail us sometime or another but if they fail us every single time and are constantly letting us down, then why are they still in our lives. If they are still a part of our lives then we must see something in them worth keeping. They must have something about them that causes us to trust them with little pieces of our hearts.

Maybe I should give them a chance. They may not be the people I had to leave in Golden, they people that I miss daily. But I cannot assume they will fail me, maybe I am cared for here and I really have made friends. Maybe I really am not as alone as I feel.


Photo courtesy of jazza