Leading with the Heart, Not the Head

I have always been drawn to leadership.  Not only do I love to be in leadership, but I love to associate myself with "great leaders."  Especially men in leadership.  My heart thrives in leadership, but I have never had a problem following a man in leadership (granted done well).  This probably makes me seem anti-feminist, but as a strong, independent woman I prefer a man to take the lead.

For one, I have always believed it was Biblical.  "A husband is to rule over his wife as Christ does the church." And other such references.  I don't believe it is a call for men to act like dictators over women, definitely not.  But I do believe that God gave men their "warrior-like" tendencies in order to lead the people in their life.  

Whilst growing in and discovering my God-given femininity as a young girl I had always looked up to strong-leading men.  Many of whom were impressive leaders with an attitude of "Follow me or get left behind."  It was always a mad dash to keep up with wherever they were going, fully trusting that their sprint to the summit was the exact route and pace that God had set before them.  

From youth leaders, to boyfriends, to my father I have always been completely happy being told what to do, being controlled, and completely trusting that they were leading those in their life in the exact model Christ set up for relationships.

Then, I stumbled across this blog and it kinda rocked my world.  It challenged me to rethink how I view male leadership.  

Sometimes I get caught in the impression that leadership is about power or authority or who gets to make the decisions. But, by the end of the hike, I couldn’t help but think about how this must be what true leadership looks like: loving guidance, taking responsibility for safety and direction, carrying extra weight and running ahead to check for danger.

What? A man who leads with his heart instead of his head is a good thing?  They aren't considered weak because whilst leading, they don't stop caring about those they are leading.  They step up when the need arises, but not so far as to leave people behind.

I had always been taught that great leaders are born outside of relationship.  Not true, Christ was an amazing leader and spent 90% of his time inside relationship.  Christ was not afraid to call people out, but he also was not afraid to kneel down and heal.

Leadership happens in relationship, not outside of it.

That one sentence speaks deeply to my heart.  It affirms a desire in my soul to be lead but not left behind.  In relationships I had always tied myself to men that were fantastic head-leaders.  They could see a vision and go after it, they knew what they wanted and when they wanted it.  Which always left me in dust not sure if I could go along with their goals.  Something in my heart just didn't connect, that's not the kind of leadership I wanted in a future husband...but history told me that's all that was out there.

But its not.  Men who lead with the heart are out there, I should know, I'm dating one.  When all I have known is head-leaders, heart-leaders are really uncomfortable.  The more I sit in actual relationship with a heart-leader I know this is how God intended it to be.  You move forward together as a team, sharing the weight of each other's burdens, taking time to make sure you are still on the right path.

Leadership is not about competition. It’s about getting everyone out of the woods before dark.

A man who leads with his heart is not weak or lazy because in the end he arrives at the summit alongside those he loves...instead of alone.

Ladies, have you seen examples of good male heart-leaders?  How has that impacted your identity?

Men, how does being in leadership challenge you?  Who are some men that have taught you how to lead well?

No Small Affair

I was a "Wedding Virgin" until Liz asked me to be her Maid of Honor.  Ok well, I was a Junior Bridesmaid for my Aunt Pammy when I was ten...but I don't really count that.  Mike and Liz are very dear friends to me.  If it wasn't for death and breakups I doubt we would still be friends.  It is funny how the real stuff of life, the hard stuff, can either make or break relationships.  For me, Liz and Mike, it was a recipe for success.  All credit to them, they fought for my friendship.  

The first time I met Liz was the first time Mike's whole family met her, lunch after church.  She was a big surprise, no one expected to see Mike walk in with a girl.  It was a perfect "fly on the wall" moment. To just sit back and watch his family interact with this unexpected girl.  I still remember that afternoon ever so clearly, and I chuckle every time I think about the look on Mike's dad's face.  Classic.

After a LONG 19 months of wedding planning, they are off honeymooning in the Bahamas.  Glorious. 

I love weddings, always have.  When I was in between Jr. High and High School I became obsessed with them.  My head and heart were engulfed in the desire to be a bride.  One day to wear the most beautiful dress and walk toward a man that wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  It was my one dream in high school.  To be a bride.


I bought the magazines, browsed TheKnot.com, gazed at wedding dresses.  I was all in.  I always told friends that if God hadn't called me to missions I wanted to be a wedding planner.  I loved weddings.  I planned out my "Big Day" to every last detail, except who would be waiting for me at the front of the church.  That was my big ?.

Somewhere along the way I lost my fervor for weddings.  The magazines got packed up in my mom's closet, the "Wedding Ideas" file got lost somewhere.  Chalk it up to maturing, heartbreak, reality or something else, but I didn't care any more.  Until Liz said, "I want you to be my Maid of Honor."

Planning a real wedding takes a lot of work.  Especially one like Mike & Liz's.  And I wasn't even in the country for the last six months!  Walking through the preparation process with these guys caused me to reflect on my old wedding obsession.  I wanted a wedding.  Not a marriage.  I wanted a big fancy white wedding.  I had no idea how to be a Godly wife.  Which I see now as God's provision.  Thanks God, you always know best.

This wedding, albeit very exciting, had me more nervous than most.  Mainly because it was a step back into my past.  I had no idea how I would handle being around my infamous "Ex" or being in my old church or simply just being at a wedding.  Do weddings mess with your head too?  Only by God's grace was my heart completely fine.  

Armed with my new confident attitude (so I am told by friends), knowing that I looked amazing in my dress, and the awesome Ben as my date, I set myself up for success.  And I had a blast dancing the night away with old friends and taking full credit for bringing a date with the most ridiculous dance moves.  Realizing that I don't want a big fancy white wedding.  My life is perfect right now exactly as God orchestrated it and anything different would be lame.

 

"Here's to the men that love us, the losers that lost us, and the lucky bastards that have yet to meet us!"

--

All photos courtesy of the amazing Sarah Christine Photography.  Seriously check her out.  Fun fact, she and I once dated the same guy...creepy and awesome all at the same time. 

How I Met Your Father

"Kid's, I'm gonna tell you an incredible story.  The story of how I met your mother..."

If there is anything that my addiction to TV show How I Met Your Mother has taught me is that when I have teenage kids and I sit down to tell them how I met their father, they will sit for at least six years.  Ha, yeah right.

"Man, when I have kids and I tell them how I met their mother.  I'm gonna tell them everything, the whole damn story..."

If you have never seen the show, it follows Ted Mosby an architect in NYC and his quest for a wife, his dream girl.  BUT the entire show is done in flashbacks, as if he was telling his kids how he met their mother.

On one particular rainy day here in Katowice I was walking to the bus, protected from the downpour with my yellow umbrella.  I got to thinking, Ted and I have a lot in common.  We have both have "career" dreams, but life has molded them into something even better than we could imagine.  And really, we are both looking forward to the day when we meet our dream guy/gal.

But I realized I am living my own "How I Met Your Father" story, right now.  I am at a point where I can look back on the last few years of my life and see how every decision I have made has dictated which decision I made next.  Just like Ted.

"But you see kids, I could have gone to Schlegal's Bagels as usual, gone home, gotten to work, and you kids might never have been born..."

It makes me so completely grateful for every little thing; the joyous and broken.  They all lead somewhere new, closer to a dream.  I see how God's providence in bringing romance into my life in college led me to making a better decision about serving in ministry.  How the end of that relationship led to my push to put big change into my life, pursuing a vision of using dance in youth ministry.  I see how depression started to trickle back in and it led me to allowing a new friendship to bloom.  And that friendship ultimately gave me to courage to act on the vision and just go for it.   None of those things were changes I asked for or wanted at that time in my life.  They just sort of happened.  And I am better because of it.

"Kids, I've been telling you the story of how I met your mother.  And though there are many things to learn from this story, this may be the biggest.  The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do.  They'll also be the things that happen to you.  Now I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life.  You have to take action, and you will.  But never forget that on any day you could step out the front door and your whole life can change forever."

I guess this is just coming from a place in my heart that is full of hope.  I am starting to see God's divine purpose in why I am single in this phase of life and am totally loving it...well most days.  *wink*  I have spent a lot of time questioning God on why my life had to be this way, and He never answered.  Hm.  Maybe He just wanted me to wait and watch life unfold, see it for myself.  And as always, it's better this way.

Over the last few months a number of people have told me that they are going to pray for a husband for me.  I always politely say thanks, but in my heart I kinda just laugh it off.  My attitude has been, "well that's great if you think I need that, but I know I am right where God wants me, and that's not in the cards right now."  I guess I kinda felt like it was useless to pray for that.  But in the last few weeks I have been really convicted about the whole thing.  Turns out it has been a pride thing...suck.  In Barcelona God really broke me of my "Single Pride."  I have been trying to come before Jehovah-Jirah everyday asking for a ministry partner.  Its tough.  Its teaching me humility.  I am learning to be genuinely grateful when people say they will pray with me.  I am getting up the courage to ask some key people in my life to join me in prayer over this one thing.

I don't know why praying for a life partner is such a hard thing for me.  Something in my thinking got all screwed up that a husband isn't a gift from God but a distraction from what He has really called you to.  Hm.  I don't really know how that happened.

So here I am, learning humility in asking God to bring someone into my life to serve in ministry with.  Who knows what the big finale will be to my "Single Story" but I look forward to what God has in store.  In the meantime, I am gonna keep sitting on the edge of my seat to see how Ted's story ends.  And just remember to humbly ask God for my dream guy.  It's gonna be legen...wait for it...

"Kids, there's more than one story of how I met your mother.  You know the short version, the thing with your mom's yellow umbrella...But there's a bigger story.  The story of how I became who I had to become before I could meet her.  And that story begins here."

How I Met Your Mother airs on CBS Mondays 8/7c or at 2am if you live in Poland like me!

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I Don't Need It

I read a blog the other day that while I was reading shrugged off as incredibly simple and full of things I already knew.  However, as time has gone on my mind continues to ponder what was written.  Maybe I did know what the author had stated, but had I really taken the truths to heart?  Definitely not.

The blog is all about using your time as a single woman wisely, not waiting around for God to bring a man into your life like some worn out fairy tale.  Yes, this is all information I had heard before growing up in church.  But this lady took a different approach, she used scripture to back herself up.  And then based on scripture she asks four questions:

• Do I trust that he has ordained my days? (Psalm 139: 5, 6, 16)
• Do I trust that he supplies all I need? (Matthew 6:32)
• Do I trust that never will he leave me or forsake me? (Joshua 1:5)
• Do I trust that who I am in Christ defines me? (Colossians 2:10)

I asked myself those same four questions.  So I REALLY truly believe that God has ordained my days on this earth?  Do I REALLY truly trust that He supplies all I need?  Yes, yes in my human flesh I do trust those things about God.  

If I am trying to just hang on until I get married and don’t accept my singleness in this season, then I am saying that these days that God has ordained are not enough, that he made a mistake and is a liar.

Whoh.  I don't believe that God makes mistakes or is a liar, so my only option is to really trust that He is the way He says He is.

The simple truth is that he takes care of my every need and provides all that I need—if I don’t have it, I don’t need it. And I can rest in this because I know he is a loving God.

That statement really hit home with me. If I don't have it, then I don't need it. You have no idea how many times I have caught myself repeating that sentence in my head. And you know what, it has brought me a lot of peace. God knows exactly what I need and when and if He hasn't given me something, including a spouse, then I don't need it. How freeing is that? God sees me, just as I am, and doesn't think I need anyone else in my life to make me better. In the words of Bridgett Jones, "He likes me just as I am." 

Being here in Poland as a single woman has really put me face to face with actually being single.  In the first month or so, it was rough.  I felt that longing, the desire to have someone to talk to and love on.  Someone who knows me inside and out.  But obviously it wasn't what God wanted for me right now and my heart was kind of bitter about that.  

God keeps bringing up the topic of dating and marriage in my life so it has been very hard to ignore.  A number of my good friends are getting married this year, or are dating someone.  As I talk to each of them about their relationships, God talks to me.  He reaches down into the inner most part of my heart that longs to be married and if I don't fight back He brings peace.  

I don't know what the future holds for me and relationships.  I have had some great ones and some terrible ones.  They taught me a lot about life and love.  All I know is that when God looks at me He does not see me as "single."  He sees me as HIS daughter, redeemed by grace.  And right now, I just need to wait and rest in that for a little while.  You know, until God tells me to do something else.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 

John 14:27