Moving On

This has been a long road, one that I moved along slowly making sure that I didn't rebound or rush into another relationship.  The process took me longer than many friends were willing to endure but it was just long enough.  There were many nights I spent frustrated and broken just wanting to forget.  Clinging to the hope that one day I would no longer miss him and that I would meet someone who blew my mind more than he did.

His memory never faded, but the feelings have been safely buried deep inside to where I don't feel them anymore.

This journey has not been without some shallow "crushes" on a few cute boys in my life.  I always knew they weren't the forever-type but it was nice to have someone to giggle about in the corners of my mind.  One crush in particular has lasted just over a year and that person was at the center of many of 2009's great moments.

Now, I try really hard not to be superstitious, but what happened on New Year's Eve has had me thinking for the last few days.

The guy I mentioned before invited me to spend New Year's Eve with him and his roommate skating at Evergreen Lake.  I was so thrilled that someone wanted to spend NYE with me!  I didn't want to get my hopes up about this night, but there was a part of my heart that wanted to be prepared in case something did happen.

Driving to meet him that night I was listening to the radio.  A song came on that took me back to my last relationship, the one I tried so hard to get over and move on.  My mind began to wonder if I was asked out tonight if I should say "yes."  Now I had originally settled on walking through that door if it was opened, but now I wasn't so sure.

Just three weeks before a dear friend said to me, "You two are perfect for each other, I don't see why you can't get back together."  I know she is right but I don't know what to do about it.

Now on what I thought was the verge of a new relationship I was wondering if I needed to hold out for a second chance with the man I used to love.

2 more songs played, each held a special meaning to that past relationship.  I pulled into the parking lot hearing, "It's not over...."

It's 2010 and I am still not certain that the old relationship is over and done with.  I really don't want to hold myself back by holding on but maybe the world doesn't want me to fully move on and forget.

Broken Promises

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are sitting there and humanity surprises you. And not in the “people suck” kind of way, but in a way that gives you warm fuzzies and brings you hope?

June has been a whirlwind for me, I really haven’t had a good day off in about 4 weeks. Only a couple more days and I will be through this round of crazy and on to something less so. With the tornado of family events, crises, cardboard boxes, dumpster runs and numerous slices of pizza in the last month I have watched my stress level rise. Funny thing is, I didn’t realize it was rising, I wasn’t feeling the intensity of the stress. The only thing my body was feeling was sore muscles, sunburn and maybe a hint of a crush on a cute boy. *wink*

It is really no secret that I have not handled “love” in the best way since August. A huge part of my life was forced to die back in August and it has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I have received a lot of pushback recently on how I have handled myself in “letting go.” I get the hint that many are frustrated, which has been hurtful, but I keep to myself and really no one has any idea how frequently I miss Tim and the relationship we had. Oh well, I suppose life goes on.

Nearly a year later and my heart is beginning to mend. Even still I am finding dark corners in my heart that are home to more damage and heartbreak. In the middle of my living room surrounded by cardboard boxes I discovered another one of those corners. FEAR OF BROKEN PROMISES

Or maybe it is a lack of faith in people.

Saturday marked the day I would be moving out of my own apartment and into my parent’s home. I had lined up some trusty guy friends and their truck to help me haul my furniture. However, they were planning on hiking a 14er in the morning and there was a deep part of my gut that said they were going to back out because they were too tired. With no one else to help me, I was a little worried about what I would do if they decided they couldn’t help.

A phone call later two other friends offered to come over and help. Unexpected. They held the fort and hauled lots of boxes for about 2 hours until my car was full to the top. As they left, lo and behold the mountain climbing guys show up. :-) Not only did they haul all of my furniture from my 3rd floor apartment all the way to Evergreen, but they helped rearrange said furniture numerous times in and out of the kitchen as my family and I tried to figure out where everything would go. And they did it with loads of patience.

That evening I sat in my new “bedroom” and thought back on the day. I went into the weekend fully expecting everyone to fail me. I was prepared to be left abandoned to move all by myself.

Why couldn’t I trust that people would do what they said they would do? Why of all the people in my life do I expect this group of people to fail me most?

Heart and head still swimming, but I have a feeling that it has something to do with all the guys that have so epically failed me in the last 4 years or so. Maybe “epic fail” isn’t the right word for all of them. Maybe breaking an “epic promise.” It seems that little by little this wall has been built up around my heart and I can no longer trust that people will do what they say they will do. Especially if they are of the male persuasion. Well, that’s sucky, huh?

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that one of these mountain-climbing, furniture hauling guys has captured my attention recently. Maybe because of how my gut jumps in excitement when I see him I expect him to fail me.

Why is it so hard to trust that people will follow through. Yes, people are fickle creatures and they are bound to fail us sometime or another but if they fail us every single time and are constantly letting us down, then why are they still in our lives. If they are still a part of our lives then we must see something in them worth keeping. They must have something about them that causes us to trust them with little pieces of our hearts.

Maybe I should give them a chance. They may not be the people I had to leave in Golden, they people that I miss daily. But I cannot assume they will fail me, maybe I am cared for here and I really have made friends. Maybe I really am not as alone as I feel.


Photo courtesy of jazza

Dead and Gone

On my way home for work today I was sitting at a stop light when I noticed something written on the rear windshield of a car in front of me. "This year is mine 2009." I smiled as I let those words sink deep into my heart. As I waited for the light to turn green I realized that I felt the same way. My mind raced through all the events of 2008 and how I felt that the entire year of my life had been taken from me. I deeply yearned for 2009 to be better, I wanted for once to feel like I was making my own decisions. I commend the driver of that red Explorer who is publicly reclaiming this year. I can only imagine that they felt the same way I did at the end of 2008.

There is something about unexpected turns in life that make you feel like you need to change. Whether it is your hair, your wardrobe, your friends, your belief system...we all need change to move on. In order to forget.

I have always been drawn to the song above, but never really got it until I saw the video tonight. Enjoy the vocal stylings of T.I. and JT and what the message has to say about moving on and living lives without regret.