How My Brain Got Fat

When I got to the campus bookstore in preparation for my final semester of college I could not believe the number of books that were required for just one semester.  That is a typical experience in college I believe, and being a Global Studies major I always tended to do quite a bit of reading for class.  But this time I had 25 books to read in just 15 weeks of classes.  I was screwed.

I did a lot of skimming in the weeks that followed, but for a girl who would normally read all day on the weekends for fun, that semester killed my desire to read.  Killed it.

It has been ten years since I graduated from university I can count on one hand the number of books I have read AND finished since I embarked on adulthood.  Which is sad, absolutely sad.

I'll be honest, I didn't make it a priority in my life.  At all.  I wished I could read all the great books people recommended to me, but I just always found other things to do after a day at work (like watch Friends for the 500th time).  I just got lazy with my education, with stretching myself.

One day, something changed.  Its as if my mind and heart woke up from a deep slumber and I was hungry for more than I had been giving myself.  My brain felt stagnant, almost like it had gained 20 pounds from sitting on the couch eating Oreos for a decade.  I once was so sure of myself and my beliefs and my feelings and over time I just lost all of it to business and laziness.  So many of my thoughts and feelings are here on this blog from years past.  I forgot about stretching myself that I had nothing worth sharing with the world for the last 5 and half years.  Wow.

But something clicked that one day.

And I knew I needed more.

I credit it to becoming a mom.  I was watching my daughter grow and all of a sudden I knew that I had to impart wisdom on her, but I didn't even know what wisdom was worth sharing anymore.  My thoughts were robotic and all repeated from someone else.  I felt had nothing genuine to give her.  And I knew the only way I could unleash myself and satisfy the hunger for the world was to start cracking open books again.  I love books.  I love the pages and underlining the sage advice from others who came before.  I have an e-reader, but I have found I'm not inspired by the words on a computer screen.  Probably because I sit in front of a computer all day at work.

Surprisingly it wasn't actual books that got me back and running again.  It was audio books.

I commute everyday for work, not long, but its still a commute and I have chosen to use that time to "read" books.  Some people have given me crap about this and said it doesn't count because I didn't actually read them, but that's dumb.  It counts.  Its been over a year since I started this habit, but I finally hit my stride at the start of 2017.  A few weeks ago I wrote down all the books I had finished since the start of the year and for just being the end of April, I was already finished with book seven.  SEVEN.  Maybe that is normal for you, or you read that many in a month.  But when you consider that I had read and finished maybe three books in the last 10 years, SEVEN in 4 months is pretty impressive.

I was shocked to say the least.  My shock turned to motivation, which caused me to wonder how many books can I read this year?  For 2017, my goal is to read and finish at least 30 books. This goal was not a New Year's Resolution, but I took something that I was already trying to be better at and said, "Hey let's keep this going."

So far this year I have read mostly fiction, but I have added in some non-fiction as well in the last month.  I am about to finish books 8 and 9, and 10 will follow shortly thereafter.

Yeah...I've gone nuts.  I'm reading three books at the same time right now.

I'm not ready to join a book club or anything, because you know that Howard motto "you can't tell me what to do."  But I have read some really good things so far this year, and if you have had a conversation with me in the last couple months I probably told you about one of the books I have found fascinating.  Right now the audio book I am listening to is probably my favorite so far.  I am enthralled with it...and its a book about time travel.  Which is not a subject matter that usually draw me in.  I think Chris Pratt should star in the movie.  But I digress.

It feels so good to be reading again.  Diving into books that expand my creativity, cause me to think about things differently than I ever have before.  And its just one way I am taking back my life from business and laziness (yes they coexist in my life).  Mostly its for me so I can figure out who I am as mom and wife and all the other labels I wear during a day.  But its kinda for my daughter too, so she can see how fun it is to learn and grow, no matter your age.

And you know what?  She recently discovered books too!  She has read way more than 7...actually we read that one book 7 times tonight.  Yup.

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For Grins & Accountability, here is my current list for 2017:
1. Heaven by Randy Alcorn
2. Confessions of a Scary Mommy by Jill Smokler
3. Hamilton: The Revolution by Lin-Manuel Miranda and Jeremy McCarter
4. The Red Tent by Anita Diamond
5. A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman
6. Hidden Figures by Margot Lee Shetterly
7. Lincoln in the Bardo by George Saunders
8. Contagious: Why Things Catch On by Jonah Berger
9. All Our Wrong Todays by Elan Mastai

I Need Beans!

It is 7am and the line is getting closer and closer to the back wall.  The cars in the drive-thru have wrapped their way around the parking lot.  The pressure is on, we have to get these drinks out as fast as possible.  Along with eight other Baristas we have our places, everyone knows what they need to do, where they need to stay.  We are a team, highly dependent on those around us.

Last week I was working the morning rush, like usual, and my job was to make all the drinks for our drive thru customers.  There is a lot of pressure to get drinks out in the allotted time, with as few mistakes as possible.  Your ears are constantly flooded with new drink orders coming in as well as fellow coworkers telling you if you need to work faster.  Pressure.

For a while this system works, but eventually the rush takes its toll and you need more milk, or vanilla syrup, or lids, or ice.  I cannot move from my spot, I have to keep making drinks so that customers outside are not left waiting.  All I can do is yell at the top of my lungs, "I need Grande Hot Lids!" and hope someone who can run heard me.

I hear in the distance someone yell, "Grande Hot Lids!"  Relief, I have been heard, I can keep up my pace, keep doing what I need to do.  

I walked away from work that day exhausted, but completely happy.  Every request, every need that I made known to my coworkers was heard and they met it for me.  It filled my heart on so many levels, and really made me think, when was the last time I made sure I was surrounded by people and activities that fill my heart, meet my needs.  And not just when I get desperate, but looking ahead and knowing what my needs will be when I have a busy week.

Rarely, lets be honest.

If I hadn't already been blown away by having all my needs met for 8 hours straight one day, it hit the next day.  I don't know what changed, but no one heard me all day.  I was constantly calling out what I needed and no one responded.  It left me doing eight things at once and drained me completely.  I could not function like that and after time I couldn't keep up with not being heard which slowed everyone else down too.  

My life is so similar to the morning rush at Starbucks.  I go through periods when things are crazy and I need built in people and activities to help keep me sane.  If I don't build those into my life automatically then I will be left trying to do everything on my own.  Trying to get everything I need and give it all out at the same time.  

Working at Starbucks is teaching me more and more about taking care of my heart, but also looking out for the needs of others.  Not focusing so much on myself to not hear the calls for "More Mocha" or "Bacon Sandwiches" but to make sure that I am making my needs known, getting them taken care of, so that I can help in the needs of others.

Independent

in·de·pend·ent
[in-di-pen-duhnt]
–adjective

1.

not influenced by the thought or action of others:independent research.

2.

not dependent; not depending or contingent upon somethingelse for existence, operation, etc.

3.

not relying on another or others for aid or support.

4.

Mathematics . (of a quantity or function) not depending uponanother for its value.

5.

Grammar . capable of standing syntactically as a complete sentence

I was raised to be independent.  Do things myself, do them well.  Becoming an independent adult was a big value my dad impressed upon me.  It wasn't until this summer when I started to wonder if being independent was a bad thing.


Not just my family, but I think being an independent woman is a value of American culture today.  We are moving away from feeling like we need a man to accomplish anything in life...or anyone.  You see it in the movies, hear it in music all the time.  The only way to get anywhere in life is to do it yourself.  An attitude of "you are only responsible for you, make it count."  Which, may not be a bad thing inherently, but once it festers...


Like I said, I never thought being independent was a bad thing.  My independence put me through high school in 3 years, gave me the courage to move to Poland at 17, and again at 24.  Independence I credit toward some of my best life experiences.  If it wasn't for my gut telling me to not hold anything back...my life would be so boring.


This summer I was talking to some girls in Poland for a short-term mission trip and mentioned that I have always been "independent."  The looks on their faces were puzzled.  "What do you mean you are independent?"  "So you don't think you need other people?"  WHAT?  No, that is not what I meant at all...


I struggled to explain myself and they cautioned me against using the word independent in the future.  Never would I have thought that being independent was something to be wary of.  Over the next few months I wrestled with the idea of independence, was I really doing something completely wrong?

No, I don't think being independent is a bad thing.  If I wasn't independent I would have totally floundered in Poland.  God created me this way, and if I was heavily dependent I never would have moved to Poland in the first place.  Where my problem lies is I hate asking people for help.

I hate knowing I am a burden to other people and I won't ask for help unless there is absolutely no way to get it done myself.  That's my fall.  For example, I wanted to color my hair for the first time and I spent 4 hours translating the directions from Polish to English on Google Translate.  I could have just called a friend and have them tell me, but no.  Independence for the win.

God knows exactly where we struggle, its funny because he won't let us stay there.  I see that with where my life is right now.  I don't have a car so I have to depend on other people to get around.  I don't know how long I am in Colorado, so for now I am sleeping on someone's couch.  I can't go back to Poland until I have the funding, which means I have to ask people to donate.

My life is hanging on dependency.  It has been tough, but I am learning to humble myself and ask for help.  My stomach churns at the thought, but I think its good for me.

Independence?  That's middle class blasphemy.  We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth. -George Bernard Shaw