The Wake of Father's Day

If you have spent any time with me in the last few years you know I wrestle deeply with the relationship I have with my dad.  My heart has taken the idea of "fatherhood" and twisted it into something frustrating, confusing, and painful.

For years I have been living in the shadow of my father's failures, letting them define how I approach the world and relate to my God.

And finally, I have broken down and realized that I don't want my cracked expectations of a fairy-tale father to dictate my life anymore.

It is painful.

It is uncovering many lies that have taken root in my heart.

Lies that have told me that my dad is not allowed to fail, he is supposed to be perfect 24 hours a day.  That he is exempt from being human, from slipping up on occasion.

Lies that have told me that I am less of a daughter because I don't feel like I can write fabulous things on my Facebook wall about my dad on Father's Day.

Lies that have told me that I don't deserve the very best from the men in my life.  That I will always be let down.  Left stranded to "deal" on my own in a tower like Fiona from Shrek.

Slowly but surely I am digging to the root of my "daddy issues."  So weird, because for the first time in my life I deeply desire to sort this out instead of burying it deeper.  I think that's God's amazing grace as bring another man into my life in a BIG way.

This year, I actually wished my dad a happy father's day. Progress.

And yesterday as I logged onto my Facebook and saw all my friends praise their amazing fathers I let God speak to my heart as I got jealous and angry all at the same time.

Am I not father enough?

Deep down in my heart I have always been a Daddy's Girl and I am making my way there again.  But this time realizing that I have a perfect father who loves me unconditionally.  My earthly father will always fail me, simply because he is human.  But it is not fair to hold him in a place of perfection.

Allow God to heal the wounds of my dad and fill those holes with His love.  

Who knows maybe my daddy issues will end up being a gift?

Battle wounds create a pain that drives us to a healer we would not otherwise know & give a God-assigned purpose we never could have found. -Lauren Lankford

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“I have chosen you. The little girl with the brunette ringlets and the big blue eyes – she was and is my daughter. Have you forgotten how beautiful I created you? Have you let others speak and tell you otherwise? Let all those voices be silent once and for all, for I am the Great I Am. They cannot stand against me. And they are nothing to me. I have created you as beautiful and in my eyes you have lost none of the innocence you possessed when I first gave you life. You are like new to me every morning, just as my mercy is new to you every morning. I have heard your cries – I am the Lord.” - An Excerpt From This Awesome Blog

Choosing Bitterness

Hi, my name is Mallory.  And I hold on to things way longer than I should.  Especially bitterness.

A couple weeks ago a very dear friend of mine hurt me.  Not intentionally.  But it happened.  Hurt my heart in one of its most tender areas.  Sucky.

As the days go on the pain of someone else's actions slowly fade, but they are turning into bitterness.  Frustration and anger toward one of my favorite people on earth.

Every day I look at my phone and contemplate sending a text, leaving a voicemail to say I am sorry.  To say I don't want you out of my life despite what went down a few weeks ago.

But I cannot bring myself to do it.

Somehow I have convinced myself that the longer I hold onto bitterness the more pain I am causing the person I am bitter against.  The longer I withhold contact maybe, just maybe we will be even on the hurt front.

I have been here many times before.  Lost friendships because I cannot let go of the hurt and bitterness.  Truth of the matter is, I am only hurting myself.

Here I am, in limbo.  Do I let go of the bitterness and open myself up to friendship again.  Or do I let go of the friendship because it is just too painful?

Today I have the chance to be raw and vulnerable in the most beautiful way possible.  I have a chance at forgiveness.

Question is will I take it?

Scars of the Heart

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature.  A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.

-Harry Crews

I was having a conversation on Sunday with a dear friend about hurt, sin and scars.  "I am not bitter anymore about this scar on my elbow from falling, or this scar here from a medical procedure," I explained.  "I don't even feel them anymore."

I went to bed that night thinking about my physical scars, remember the pain I experienced with every single one.  I hardly ever think about them anymore, nor do I notice them.  Each has their own tale that weaves into the greater story of who Mallory is.  Some are from chasing a boy and tripping on a dirt road.  Others are from slipping on gravel while riding my bike.  My knees are covered in scars from having warts removed (gross I know).  

Physical scars almost seem easier than emotional ones, scars on the heart.  You can watch them heal.  Its common knowledge on how to treat a fresh wound and the appropriate steps to make sure you are left with the smallest scar possible.  Its not that easy when your heart is wounded.  Emotional wounds seem never ending.  

Physical scars once healed simply just hold memories.  You can touch it, look at it, poke it and you won't  open up the wound again.  Its healed.  The pain is gone.

Emotional scars are forever wounds.  You can heal, move on, but if you look at your scarred heart the wound can reopen.  The worst is when someone else touches the scar, and how quickly it reopens and floods your heart in old pain.

Scars of the heart are precious tales of where sin and grace converge in our life.  They are dark corners of our heart we only reveal to those we trust the most.  And when someone reveals their heart scars to you it is a gift to be cherished.  

My heart scars will always be the best parts of me, but they will also cause me the most pain.  Over and over.  It is only in sharing those scars with other people that they will cease to hurt us.  Instead of making us vulnerable, they will make us stronger.

Healing

"When a person is evoked for who she is, not who she is not, the most often result will be the inner healing of her heart through the touch of affirmation."  -Brennen Manning, The Furious Longing of God


I cannot fully explain how I felt four months ago. In short, I was hurting, broken...drowning.  Maybe you can see the traces of those feelings in this blog.  Of course I was put together enough to function in the life I had built in Colorado.  I had a job that I just barely squeaked by in, friends of not so great influences,  but mostly a life lived in the shadow of every major heartbreak I experienced in the previous three years.

I think that's why I was drowning.  I finally reached a point where I needed to fly, but I was stuck in the shadow of past hurts. I couldn't move.

All I know is that when I came to Poland 103 days ago I started to see just how broken I was.  Just being here I felt freedom.  Dear God, why did I have to travel this far from home to finally start feeling free?

I just finished Brennen Manning's book The Furious Longing of God. For the most part his verbiage was over my head and I had a hard time following his thoughts, that is until I got to the chapter on healing.

Healing is a response to a crisis in the life of another person.

Yup, my heart was in crisis.  Most people didn't see it, but I felt it.  It was bad, trust me.

But then I got here, and the most amazing thing happened, I was affirmed in who I was.  Not only was I affirmed in who God had created me to be but I was affirmed by people that I respect highly.  Just like that I was able to finally see things in myself, awesome things about who God created me to be and that I was valuable.

I knew that God was doing a tremendous work in my heart here in Poland.  I could feel the healing taking place, but until I read Manning's words I didn't realize what had lit the fire of healing in my heart. Affirmation.

Since arriving in Poland I have been affirmed more than I have in the last two years.

There was no doubt in my mind that I could heal...it was just how.  I tried to heal myself, me and God.  And well, it took a LONG time but I did get somewhere.  But there is just something about another human being letting the holy spirit reach out through their words to touch in affirmation.  And, not just once...but over and over again.

The question is not can we heal? The question, the only question, is will we let the healing power of the risen Jesus flow through us to reach and touch others, so that they may dream and fight and bear and run where the brave dare not go?

We humans need other people.  And we need people over and over again.  The world spews lies at us like a broken record and so we need people who are going to vomit truth right back.  Over and over like a broken record.  Because we will never really get it until we hear it 1,001 times.

I'm still a mess, but God is redeeming me with the help of His followers.  And for the first time in a very long time, all I really want to do is love people.

We all stumble on the way to maturity.  We all look for love in the wrong arms, happiness in the wrong places.  But out of it, you've become real.  You've got a heart of immense compassion for the brokenness of others.  You are utterly incapable of hypocrisy, and I am deeply in love with you. -Don Quixote