Monday, June 20, 2011

The Wake of Father's Day

If you have spent any time with me in the last few years you know I wrestle deeply with the relationship I have with my dad.  My heart has taken the idea of "fatherhood" and twisted it into something frustrating, confusing, and painful.

For years I have been living in the shadow of my father's failures, letting them define how I approach the world and relate to my God.

And finally, I have broken down and realized that I don't want my cracked expectations of a fairy-tale father to dictate my life anymore.

It is painful.

It is uncovering many lies that have taken root in my heart.

Lies that have told me that my dad is not allowed to fail, he is supposed to be perfect 24 hours a day.  That he is exempt from being human, from slipping up on occasion.

Lies that have told me that I am less of a daughter because I don't feel like I can write fabulous things on my Facebook wall about my dad on Father's Day.

Lies that have told me that I don't deserve the very best from the men in my life.  That I will always be let down.  Left stranded to "deal" on my own in a tower like Fiona from Shrek.

Slowly but surely I am digging to the root of my "daddy issues."  So weird, because for the first time in my life I deeply desire to sort this out instead of burying it deeper.  I think that's God's amazing grace as bring another man into my life in a BIG way.

This year, I actually wished my dad a happy father's day. Progress.

And yesterday as I logged onto my Facebook and saw all my friends praise their amazing fathers I let God speak to my heart as I got jealous and angry all at the same time.

Am I not father enough?

Deep down in my heart I have always been a Daddy's Girl and I am making my way there again.  But this time realizing that I have a perfect father who loves me unconditionally.  My earthly father will always fail me, simply because he is human.  But it is not fair to hold him in a place of perfection.

Allow God to heal the wounds of my dad and fill those holes with His love.  

Who knows maybe my daddy issues will end up being a gift?

Battle wounds create a pain that drives us to a healer we would not otherwise know & give a God-assigned purpose we never could have found. -Lauren Lankford

“I have chosen you. The little girl with the brunette ringlets and the big blue eyes – she was and is my daughter. Have you forgotten how beautiful I created you? Have you let others speak and tell you otherwise? Let all those voices be silent once and for all, for I am the Great I Am. They cannot stand against me. And they are nothing to me. I have created you as beautiful and in my eyes you have lost none of the innocence you possessed when I first gave you life. You are like new to me every morning, just as my mercy is new to you every morning. I have heard your cries – I am the Lord.” - An Excerpt From This Awesome Blog

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