How My Brain Got Fat

When I got to the campus bookstore in preparation for my final semester of college I could not believe the number of books that were required for just one semester.  That is a typical experience in college I believe, and being a Global Studies major I always tended to do quite a bit of reading for class.  But this time I had 25 books to read in just 15 weeks of classes.  I was screwed.

I did a lot of skimming in the weeks that followed, but for a girl who would normally read all day on the weekends for fun, that semester killed my desire to read.  Killed it.

It has been ten years since I graduated from university I can count on one hand the number of books I have read AND finished since I embarked on adulthood.  Which is sad, absolutely sad.

I'll be honest, I didn't make it a priority in my life.  At all.  I wished I could read all the great books people recommended to me, but I just always found other things to do after a day at work (like watch Friends for the 500th time).  I just got lazy with my education, with stretching myself.

One day, something changed.  Its as if my mind and heart woke up from a deep slumber and I was hungry for more than I had been giving myself.  My brain felt stagnant, almost like it had gained 20 pounds from sitting on the couch eating Oreos for a decade.  I once was so sure of myself and my beliefs and my feelings and over time I just lost all of it to business and laziness.  So many of my thoughts and feelings are here on this blog from years past.  I forgot about stretching myself that I had nothing worth sharing with the world for the last 5 and half years.  Wow.

But something clicked that one day.

And I knew I needed more.

I credit it to becoming a mom.  I was watching my daughter grow and all of a sudden I knew that I had to impart wisdom on her, but I didn't even know what wisdom was worth sharing anymore.  My thoughts were robotic and all repeated from someone else.  I felt had nothing genuine to give her.  And I knew the only way I could unleash myself and satisfy the hunger for the world was to start cracking open books again.  I love books.  I love the pages and underlining the sage advice from others who came before.  I have an e-reader, but I have found I'm not inspired by the words on a computer screen.  Probably because I sit in front of a computer all day at work.

Surprisingly it wasn't actual books that got me back and running again.  It was audio books.

I commute everyday for work, not long, but its still a commute and I have chosen to use that time to "read" books.  Some people have given me crap about this and said it doesn't count because I didn't actually read them, but that's dumb.  It counts.  Its been over a year since I started this habit, but I finally hit my stride at the start of 2017.  A few weeks ago I wrote down all the books I had finished since the start of the year and for just being the end of April, I was already finished with book seven.  SEVEN.  Maybe that is normal for you, or you read that many in a month.  But when you consider that I had read and finished maybe three books in the last 10 years, SEVEN in 4 months is pretty impressive.

I was shocked to say the least.  My shock turned to motivation, which caused me to wonder how many books can I read this year?  For 2017, my goal is to read and finish at least 30 books. This goal was not a New Year's Resolution, but I took something that I was already trying to be better at and said, "Hey let's keep this going."

So far this year I have read mostly fiction, but I have added in some non-fiction as well in the last month.  I am about to finish books 8 and 9, and 10 will follow shortly thereafter.

Yeah...I've gone nuts.  I'm reading three books at the same time right now.

I'm not ready to join a book club or anything, because you know that Howard motto "you can't tell me what to do."  But I have read some really good things so far this year, and if you have had a conversation with me in the last couple months I probably told you about one of the books I have found fascinating.  Right now the audio book I am listening to is probably my favorite so far.  I am enthralled with it...and its a book about time travel.  Which is not a subject matter that usually draw me in.  I think Chris Pratt should star in the movie.  But I digress.

It feels so good to be reading again.  Diving into books that expand my creativity, cause me to think about things differently than I ever have before.  And its just one way I am taking back my life from business and laziness (yes they coexist in my life).  Mostly its for me so I can figure out who I am as mom and wife and all the other labels I wear during a day.  But its kinda for my daughter too, so she can see how fun it is to learn and grow, no matter your age.

And you know what?  She recently discovered books too!  She has read way more than 7...actually we read that one book 7 times tonight.  Yup.

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For Grins & Accountability, here is my current list for 2017:
1. Heaven by Randy Alcorn
2. Confessions of a Scary Mommy by Jill Smokler
3. Hamilton: The Revolution by Lin-Manuel Miranda and Jeremy McCarter
4. The Red Tent by Anita Diamond
5. A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman
6. Hidden Figures by Margot Lee Shetterly
7. Lincoln in the Bardo by George Saunders
8. Contagious: Why Things Catch On by Jonah Berger
9. All Our Wrong Todays by Elan Mastai

Fifteen

About once a year I blow the dust off.  Turn the pages gently.  Read the scribbled writing.  Remember what it was like to be back in high school.

A few weeks ago I pulled out my old journals.  Usually I read them to remind myself that I have grown and matured since I was fifteen, but this time around it didn't make me feel better where I am at.  Instead I wished there were somethings I could tell fifteen year old me.  I know journeying through life is what makes us great, but here is a letter to Mallory, ten years ago.



Hey Love,


I admire your faith immensely.  How you fell in love with missions just a year ago and want to pursue it for the rest of your life.  Guess what, you make it!  It may seem impossible now, but you do get to live overseas.  It's not in South America, but somewhere so awesome.  It will become like home to you.  But I'm not going to give it away, you gotta wait and see where God takes you.


Ok, girlie, let's talk about boys.  I know they are your entire world right now.  And I know you are going to hate me for saying this, but let go a little bit.  You know some awesome guys right now that will raise your standards for men, be friends with them, but don't be upset when they don't fall head over heels for you.  Get what you can out of their friendship and  be grateful when your lives go different directions. You may think these guys are awesome, but you have no idea who you are going to meet after college.  They will rock your world.  Spoil you.  Teach you what it is like to be respected.  Make you laugh.  Just you wait.


You are going to make some big mistakes in the next few years.  You are going to struggle with failure and not being perfect.  It's ok hun, because you are going to learn some remarkable things about God in the process.  Those mistakes, those failures, are going to be the darkest times of your life, but they will inspire you to change the world around you.  I am not going to tell you how to avoid them, or to power through.  No, you need to hurt.  You need to break.  It is ok.  Cry.  Yell.  Be angry.  You will come out stronger.


I just want you to know that you are loved.  Life is not going to turn out the way you want it to right now.  It will be better because it will be exactly what God wants.  So chill out a little bit.  Put down the imaginary wedding planning.  Go read your Bible.  Don't stress so much about math class, life doesn't depend on getting A's in algebra.  Don't stop dancing.  Love your brothers, they are amazing.


Oh yeah, next summer you are going to work at Camp Id-Ra-Ha-Je again.  One of your coworkers, talk with him, get to know him.  He is going to become an important part of your life down the road.  :-)


You are beautiful and amazing.  Don't forget that.


Love, 25 year old Mallory

Choosing Bitterness

Hi, my name is Mallory.  And I hold on to things way longer than I should.  Especially bitterness.

A couple weeks ago a very dear friend of mine hurt me.  Not intentionally.  But it happened.  Hurt my heart in one of its most tender areas.  Sucky.

As the days go on the pain of someone else's actions slowly fade, but they are turning into bitterness.  Frustration and anger toward one of my favorite people on earth.

Every day I look at my phone and contemplate sending a text, leaving a voicemail to say I am sorry.  To say I don't want you out of my life despite what went down a few weeks ago.

But I cannot bring myself to do it.

Somehow I have convinced myself that the longer I hold onto bitterness the more pain I am causing the person I am bitter against.  The longer I withhold contact maybe, just maybe we will be even on the hurt front.

I have been here many times before.  Lost friendships because I cannot let go of the hurt and bitterness.  Truth of the matter is, I am only hurting myself.

Here I am, in limbo.  Do I let go of the bitterness and open myself up to friendship again.  Or do I let go of the friendship because it is just too painful?

Today I have the chance to be raw and vulnerable in the most beautiful way possible.  I have a chance at forgiveness.

Question is will I take it?

Lost in Confidence

I have a friend who exudes confidence.  He knows who he is, what he likes, and most importantly his role as a child of God.  He's not even 30 yet.  Impressive.

I feel like now more than ever my peers are struggling deeply with the questions, "Who am I?" and "Why am I here?"  They want a job that is more than just a way to bring in money, they want to do something that they love.  My generation want to make a difference in the world using their God-given talents.  Problem is, there aren't many jobs out there that look like hobbies with pay.  That is, if you even know what you want to do...for the rest of your life.

When you don't know what you want to do with your life it is hard to be confident.  When you cannot separate what you do from who you are as a person its easy to feel lost.  More and more I see peers define themselves by things and people around them.  It is like we are still in high school.  Awkward and unsure of ourselves most of the time.

Then we encounter someone who knows who they are.  And they are awesomely confident, not like someone who uses confidence to act like a douchebag.  These people who know who they really are, are attractive and terrifying.  I have seen friends interact with a truly confident person and it makes them uncomfortable.  It makes me uncomfortable too.

It dawned on me last week, when I heard someone bashing a confident someone else that as a generation we yearn for confidence.  But at the same time we are not comfortable with people who have figured out who they are as a child of God.  Misery does love company.  We want to be lost and confused together.

The sad truth is that so many people never figure out who they are in Christ.  They can go their whole lives without really having the chance to live confidently in who they are created to be.  And they will spend their lives trying to douse the confidence others have found.  Breaks my heart.

In the last few months I have really begun to see my beauty as a daughter of God.  Realizing that I love the ridiculous and being goofy.  I love laughing and being unconventional.

But I have also learned how quickly that spark of confidence can be extinguished.  So here's to finding a bonfire of confidence that cannot be put out by others who have not found their spark yet.

Moreover, here's hoping that my bonfire will ignite someone else's spark.

A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy.  I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.

John 10:10 The Message

Photo courtesy of Littleman

Two Birds of a Feather

I have never been overly fascinated with birds.  Granted my first pet was a parakeet named Woodstock, and I had four more birds before I left elementary school.  However, as I look back on my "Salvation Story" I see that God has used the imagery of birds to catch my attention more than once.

***

The first time I remember vividly.  I was sitting at TeePee Camp (the 4-6 grade area of Camp Id-Ra-Ha-Je) in between meals.  The camp was quiet, campers were off playing games in a nearby field.  There I sat cross-legged on top of the cold gray picnic table.

In the months leading up to working at Camp for the third summer I was struggling deeply with my self image.  I saw myself as fat and worthless.  Teetering on the edge of an eating disorder.

Sitting on the concrete table my heart was finally quiet.  Quiet enough to notice the two small birds that had flown in.  I watched them as they found a french fry and other snacks the campers had dropped at lunch.  And just like that my soul filled with scripture.

Therefore I tell you do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is life not more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?  

Matthew 6:25-26

These birds are so tiny, yet God cares ever so much about them.  And just like that this verse set me on a journey (that I am still traveling) of seeing myself as God's daughter, His Princess.

***

In the last few months birds have come to mean something else to me.  If you have been following this blog for long you have probably noticed the birds that hang out at the top.  

Some people have asked me if I can sum up my time in Poland thus far in just a few words.  I could use a number of adjectives "good, awesome, phenomenal, challenging, lonely..." But there is one image that seems to sum it up for me.  

Picture a bird sitting on a barren branch (if you are having trouble, just look at the top of the page).  Then picture a bird flying away.  At this time in my life I resonate with the second bird.

Birds are created for a purpose, like everything.  I don't believe God creates something for nothing.  Birds are created to fly, soar above the earth.  Have you ever watched a bird fly?  Freedom.

A soaring bird is how my heart felt in Poland.  I was living out my purpose in this phase of life.  God created me for a reason and it was time to fly, be free.  I was not created to sit on a branch for my whole life and watch the world go by.  No, I am created to take part in God's divine creation.

Sure, sometimes flying solo the whole time is exhausting.  And that is what the branch is for.  Moments of rest.  I just can't get stuck there, I am created to fly freely.

***

This weekend I visited my friend Nate Paul and had him tattoo that very image on my foot.  Reminding me that it is ok to rest, but I also need to soar.

Photo courtesy of duchesssa

One of Those Days

They happen to everyone at some point or another.  Days that just seem to work backwards and every little thing goes wrong.  I am having one of those days...

I had scheduled a meeting with my friend Zach who handles all my web stuff for MalloryinPolska.com at the Starbucks in Aspen Grove at 11am.  Here is how that went over...

9am: Wake up late, rush to get out the door in the next 30 minutes

9:32am: Head for the bus...I have 6 minutes to make it there

9:38am: Watch Bus 24 drive past while I try to run and make it

9:40am: Decide to walk to the next bus stop, sidewalks are not plowed so I trudge through a foot of snow, about a mile.

9:59am: Watch Bus 67 drive past as I wait at the crosswalk...fail.  Next bus doesn't come for another hour.

10:03am: I decide to just walk the rest of the way, about 3 miles.  Text my web guy to let him know I will be late.

10:37am: Get a text back from my web guy suggesting we meet at a Starbucks about 3/4ths of a mile back...guess I'll turn around.

10:40am: Snowplows come through a cover all the sidewalks even more.  Snow up to my knees.

10:53am: Made it.  Finally.

Noon: Get back home...but managed to lose my cell phone somewhere between Starbucks and home...le sigh.

Its a day.  Thanks for letting me vent.  Now I am going to curl up with some FRIENDS and pretend it all never happened...

10 Things I Learned About Myself in 2010

2010 was a big year of self-discovery for me.  Wow, ok that sounds cheesy.  

But seriously, I learned a lot about myself this year and I thought I would share my top ten.

10.  I absolutely love the ridiculousness of the 80's and 90's.  Particularly the music.  I really wasn't ready for the boy band era to end.


9.  I prefer French Press coffee over anything else.  It is just soooo much better.


8.  Star Wars.  Totally love it.


7.  I am so much healthier when I write regularly.


6.  I am not made for a desk job, I need to do something that makes me feel like I am making a difference.


5.  I need to fight to keep friendships alive.  People don't stick around if you don't show them they are worth it.


4.  I have to constantly remind myself to enjoy the good times but not dwell on the tough stuff.  Life never stops moving and you need to move with it.


3.  I am usually attracted to the most dense guys...where hinting does absolutely no good.


2.  All I am responsible for is following God's leading on my life.  


1.  I am worth more than I give myself credit for.

Touch of Destiny

There is an epidemic taking hold of my generation.  Like a cancer growing slowly in the hearts of young people.  The disease is stealing dreams and hope.  Causing confusion and depression.  I see it in my friends.  I see it in me.  We have lost our identity.

I think its a response to how our parent's raised us, taking us to church and feeling like they are shoving their beliefs down our throat.  My generation sees the older generation as close minded and intolerant of anything different.  So we have swung the other way, we are open to everything.  You cannot take a stand for anything without getting burned, you have to be tolerant of everything to survive.  Sometimes it makes me feel more stifled than free.

We have become so tolerant of everything we have lost our identity in anything bigger than ourselves.

This weekend I was at a conference in Barcelona and one of the speakers spoke about the relationship between identity and destiny.

I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with friends and other young people about destiny and purpose.  They want to make a difference on the world, they are craving destiny. A heart cry for their place in this world, something made just for them.  Why can't they seem to find it?  Where is their destiny?

Our destiny is lost because our identity is lost.

The cancer of lost identity has taken such a hold on our hearts that we no longer know who we are.  We are lost somewhere in our heads trying to figure the world out...but we don't know we really are.  We don't know, especially, what our identity in God is.

So here is the natural question.  If we don't know who we are, how can we even start to know what we are to do?

Finding your identity is a lifetime journey, its a process.  As you move and discover your deeper and true identity your destiny becomes more clear.  As you dig back into the dark moments of your past and deal with the aftermath your identity starts to take shape.  Destiny will start to unfold, but only as you discover who God created you to be.

He did create you.  He put you on this earth for a reason.  He's not hiding it from you.  He just desires you to know who you are in Him first.

This place where you are right now, God circled on a map just for you.

-Hafiz, 14th Century Persian Mystic

You have a touch of destiny about you. 

-Tia Dalma

Photo courtesy of Victor Mui

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No More Wasted Film

In old photo cameras — you know, the ones with film — you have to concentrate on every shot, every frame, because you paid for some 24 exposures, and there are no do-overs. But today's digital cameras are an endless blank slate, where the number of shots you can take seem limitless and mistakes are erased with a click. -TIME Magazine

One of the many things that the next generation of children will never experience is the sound of rewinding film.  The skill it took to take a great picture.  With digital cameras all the rage, I cannot help but wonder if this ability to capture every moment of life and delete it with just as much ease is impacting how people approach life.  Myself included.

I remember a time when some thought went into whether I was going to act a certain way.  I knew I only had a limited number of chances and definitely did not want to waste them on bad memories.  Wasted film.

Now, our technology has advanced so far that we can try and try again to get the perfect shot.  No more wasted film.  Granted, I love my digital camera and carry it every where with me.  I take more pictures because I can always delete something I don't like.  I could argue that it helps teach me how to be a better photographer because I am learning from my mistakes.  But am I really?  My albums on Facebook are full of out-of-focus, crooked pictures, I'm still as terrible as I always have been.

Everyday I am faced with many different decisions.  More often than not I have a digital camera philosophy on how I choose to react.  "It does not matter how many mistakes I make, God's grace covers all and deletes them from my past"  Really, I am telling myself that I can take as many pictures as I want, whether good or bad and because God loves me I can "delete" what I want from my life.

How messed up is that?  Yes, God's grace is awesome and will always cover us.  But is that really the best mentality to have?

I know by writing this I am not going to change the way I act the minute I hit "publish post."  And tonight I will probably make a series of these decisions all over again.  But I do miss the days of film.  I miss the pressure of choosing my pictures wisely so that I got the most that I could out of that roll of film.    I think going digital has caused me, and probably lots of other people, to go lazy on how they approach life.  I only wish I knew how to motivate myself to try harder.

Photo courtesy of OeilDeNuit



Read more: http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2011482_2011480_2011466,00.html#ixzz0x4U7dO81

Dead and Gone

On my way home for work today I was sitting at a stop light when I noticed something written on the rear windshield of a car in front of me. "This year is mine 2009." I smiled as I let those words sink deep into my heart. As I waited for the light to turn green I realized that I felt the same way. My mind raced through all the events of 2008 and how I felt that the entire year of my life had been taken from me. I deeply yearned for 2009 to be better, I wanted for once to feel like I was making my own decisions. I commend the driver of that red Explorer who is publicly reclaiming this year. I can only imagine that they felt the same way I did at the end of 2008.

There is something about unexpected turns in life that make you feel like you need to change. Whether it is your hair, your wardrobe, your friends, your belief system...we all need change to move on. In order to forget.

I have always been drawn to the song above, but never really got it until I saw the video tonight. Enjoy the vocal stylings of T.I. and JT and what the message has to say about moving on and living lives without regret.