That's All I am Asking

One month ago a childhood friend came to me.  "I want to take you on a date."  I hemmed and hawed, but eventually replied, "I will give you one date, just one."  He replied, "That's all I am asking."

Dinner and a movie with slight undertones of awkwardness came and went.  A few days later he said to me, "I want to date you."  I thought and prayed, listened to my heart.  Replied to his anxious heart, "I will date you, let you pursue me, but I will not be your girlfriend just yet." He answered, "That's all I am asking."

Over the next few weeks we learned about our love of building things together.  We also became addicted to Ben & Jerry's ice cream and Salsa Verde.  Legos, puzzles, grocery store trips, LOST...somewhere in there we found something special.

Late one night my phone rang. "Will you be my girlfriend?" "Yes," I immediately replied. "I have no idea where this will go, but I want to be your girlfriend."

"That's all I am asking."

Happy one month since our first date, Dev!  You make me smile and feel so loved.  Thanks for being patient with my heart.  I can't wait to see where this goes!  Go Rockies!

Fifteen

About once a year I blow the dust off.  Turn the pages gently.  Read the scribbled writing.  Remember what it was like to be back in high school.

A few weeks ago I pulled out my old journals.  Usually I read them to remind myself that I have grown and matured since I was fifteen, but this time around it didn't make me feel better where I am at.  Instead I wished there were somethings I could tell fifteen year old me.  I know journeying through life is what makes us great, but here is a letter to Mallory, ten years ago.



Hey Love,


I admire your faith immensely.  How you fell in love with missions just a year ago and want to pursue it for the rest of your life.  Guess what, you make it!  It may seem impossible now, but you do get to live overseas.  It's not in South America, but somewhere so awesome.  It will become like home to you.  But I'm not going to give it away, you gotta wait and see where God takes you.


Ok, girlie, let's talk about boys.  I know they are your entire world right now.  And I know you are going to hate me for saying this, but let go a little bit.  You know some awesome guys right now that will raise your standards for men, be friends with them, but don't be upset when they don't fall head over heels for you.  Get what you can out of their friendship and  be grateful when your lives go different directions. You may think these guys are awesome, but you have no idea who you are going to meet after college.  They will rock your world.  Spoil you.  Teach you what it is like to be respected.  Make you laugh.  Just you wait.


You are going to make some big mistakes in the next few years.  You are going to struggle with failure and not being perfect.  It's ok hun, because you are going to learn some remarkable things about God in the process.  Those mistakes, those failures, are going to be the darkest times of your life, but they will inspire you to change the world around you.  I am not going to tell you how to avoid them, or to power through.  No, you need to hurt.  You need to break.  It is ok.  Cry.  Yell.  Be angry.  You will come out stronger.


I just want you to know that you are loved.  Life is not going to turn out the way you want it to right now.  It will be better because it will be exactly what God wants.  So chill out a little bit.  Put down the imaginary wedding planning.  Go read your Bible.  Don't stress so much about math class, life doesn't depend on getting A's in algebra.  Don't stop dancing.  Love your brothers, they are amazing.


Oh yeah, next summer you are going to work at Camp Id-Ra-Ha-Je again.  One of your coworkers, talk with him, get to know him.  He is going to become an important part of your life down the road.  :-)


You are beautiful and amazing.  Don't forget that.


Love, 25 year old Mallory

Unlucky

Bring on the 4-leaf clovers, green beer, leprechauns, and anything remotely Irish.  Today is the day to stake your claim in luck.  Today is Saint Patrick's Day.

Growing up in the church I was always told that there was no such thing as "luck" and that God is behind everything.  Yes, of course.  I do believe that God has a purpose to everything, even the terrible things which He redeems magnificently.

But then when I was in middle school I learned the meaning behind my name.  Mallory means "unlucky."  No joke.

At an age when you are searching for meaning in your identity, hoping that the name your parents bestowed upon you had some secret purpose behind it.  To find out that you are "destined" to be unlucky is one bound to give you a complex.

My mom says that they had no idea what my name meant when they wrote it on the birth certificate, and I believe her.  But for many years the meaning behind my name has lurked in the shadows taunting me.  Any time something unfortunate happened I would be reminded that my life is just purposed to be unlucky.  I have been tempted to blame every failed relationship, every closed door on the fact that I am inherently unlucky.

With friends claiming names with deeper meanings, "Beloved" "Child of God" "Powerful" "Poet" to turn around with "unlucky" was a total slap in the face.

This year I found a t-shirt with "Born Lucky" scrolled across the front.  And I just smirk when I wear it because I know I was born "unlucky."

But just because I may be deemed unlucky, does not mean I am unblessed.

Thanks Sheryl for opening my eyes to that fact.  

Choosing Bitterness

Hi, my name is Mallory.  And I hold on to things way longer than I should.  Especially bitterness.

A couple weeks ago a very dear friend of mine hurt me.  Not intentionally.  But it happened.  Hurt my heart in one of its most tender areas.  Sucky.

As the days go on the pain of someone else's actions slowly fade, but they are turning into bitterness.  Frustration and anger toward one of my favorite people on earth.

Every day I look at my phone and contemplate sending a text, leaving a voicemail to say I am sorry.  To say I don't want you out of my life despite what went down a few weeks ago.

But I cannot bring myself to do it.

Somehow I have convinced myself that the longer I hold onto bitterness the more pain I am causing the person I am bitter against.  The longer I withhold contact maybe, just maybe we will be even on the hurt front.

I have been here many times before.  Lost friendships because I cannot let go of the hurt and bitterness.  Truth of the matter is, I am only hurting myself.

Here I am, in limbo.  Do I let go of the bitterness and open myself up to friendship again.  Or do I let go of the friendship because it is just too painful?

Today I have the chance to be raw and vulnerable in the most beautiful way possible.  I have a chance at forgiveness.

Question is will I take it?

Lost in Confidence

I have a friend who exudes confidence.  He knows who he is, what he likes, and most importantly his role as a child of God.  He's not even 30 yet.  Impressive.

I feel like now more than ever my peers are struggling deeply with the questions, "Who am I?" and "Why am I here?"  They want a job that is more than just a way to bring in money, they want to do something that they love.  My generation want to make a difference in the world using their God-given talents.  Problem is, there aren't many jobs out there that look like hobbies with pay.  That is, if you even know what you want to do...for the rest of your life.

When you don't know what you want to do with your life it is hard to be confident.  When you cannot separate what you do from who you are as a person its easy to feel lost.  More and more I see peers define themselves by things and people around them.  It is like we are still in high school.  Awkward and unsure of ourselves most of the time.

Then we encounter someone who knows who they are.  And they are awesomely confident, not like someone who uses confidence to act like a douchebag.  These people who know who they really are, are attractive and terrifying.  I have seen friends interact with a truly confident person and it makes them uncomfortable.  It makes me uncomfortable too.

It dawned on me last week, when I heard someone bashing a confident someone else that as a generation we yearn for confidence.  But at the same time we are not comfortable with people who have figured out who they are as a child of God.  Misery does love company.  We want to be lost and confused together.

The sad truth is that so many people never figure out who they are in Christ.  They can go their whole lives without really having the chance to live confidently in who they are created to be.  And they will spend their lives trying to douse the confidence others have found.  Breaks my heart.

In the last few months I have really begun to see my beauty as a daughter of God.  Realizing that I love the ridiculous and being goofy.  I love laughing and being unconventional.

But I have also learned how quickly that spark of confidence can be extinguished.  So here's to finding a bonfire of confidence that cannot be put out by others who have not found their spark yet.

Moreover, here's hoping that my bonfire will ignite someone else's spark.

A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy.  I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.

John 10:10 The Message

Photo courtesy of Littleman

I AM

I was regretting the past and fearing the future.

Suddenly my LORD was speaking:

"My name is I AM"

He paused.

I waited.

He continued.

"When you live in the past with its

mistakes and regrets, it is hard.

I am not there.

My name is not  I WAS.

When you live in the future with its

problems and fears, it is hard.

I am not there.

My name is not I WILL BE.

When you live in this moment,

It is not hard.

I am here.

My name is I AM

-Hellen Mallicoat

Scars of the Heart

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature.  A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.

-Harry Crews

I was having a conversation on Sunday with a dear friend about hurt, sin and scars.  "I am not bitter anymore about this scar on my elbow from falling, or this scar here from a medical procedure," I explained.  "I don't even feel them anymore."

I went to bed that night thinking about my physical scars, remember the pain I experienced with every single one.  I hardly ever think about them anymore, nor do I notice them.  Each has their own tale that weaves into the greater story of who Mallory is.  Some are from chasing a boy and tripping on a dirt road.  Others are from slipping on gravel while riding my bike.  My knees are covered in scars from having warts removed (gross I know).  

Physical scars almost seem easier than emotional ones, scars on the heart.  You can watch them heal.  Its common knowledge on how to treat a fresh wound and the appropriate steps to make sure you are left with the smallest scar possible.  Its not that easy when your heart is wounded.  Emotional wounds seem never ending.  

Physical scars once healed simply just hold memories.  You can touch it, look at it, poke it and you won't  open up the wound again.  Its healed.  The pain is gone.

Emotional scars are forever wounds.  You can heal, move on, but if you look at your scarred heart the wound can reopen.  The worst is when someone else touches the scar, and how quickly it reopens and floods your heart in old pain.

Scars of the heart are precious tales of where sin and grace converge in our life.  They are dark corners of our heart we only reveal to those we trust the most.  And when someone reveals their heart scars to you it is a gift to be cherished.  

My heart scars will always be the best parts of me, but they will also cause me the most pain.  Over and over.  It is only in sharing those scars with other people that they will cease to hurt us.  Instead of making us vulnerable, they will make us stronger.